


did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day?

by Kody (saturated)



Series: why can't you fight like a fighter? [2]
Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Anxiety, College, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Personal Growth, Separation Anxiety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-23
Updated: 2020-03-31
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:08:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 17,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22852276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saturated/pseuds/Kody
Summary: New York was a dream and a nightmare all mixed up into one feeling of wishing he was home.  Eddie was overwhelmed by the people and the noises and the fast-paced attitude of the train station, immediately launching into a panic of wondering where he was supposed to go and wishing he could hop back on the train and return to where he left Richie standing on the platform.
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Series: why can't you fight like a fighter? [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1642852
Comments: 16
Kudos: 40





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so this has taken a lot longer than it should have taken because...unfortunately...I started a new fic. (Shameless self-promo, go read my superpower au fic) I have this first chapter done and about half of chapter two and I swear I will get it done, but I need some time and I thought I kept you all waiting long enough.
> 
> This is a sequel fic and should be read after the first part of this series (although it can be read by itself but I don't recommend it because I make a lot of references and then you'll understand where the characters are)
> 
> Anyway TW for general anxiety talk and homophobia and references to suicide. Nothing too explicit but some things are there.

New York was a dream and a nightmare all mixed up into one feeling of wishing he was home. Eddie was overwhelmed by the people and the noises and the fast-paced attitude of the train station, immediately launching into a panic of wondering where he was supposed to go and wishing he could hop back on the train and return to where he left Richie standing on the platform.

But the train had boarded and left while Eddie stood there taking in the sights, leaving him alone in the middle of a crowd of people who didn’t give two shits about him.

It took him nearly an hour of wandering and panicking before he figured out where to find the subway that would take him to campus like the letter said, eventually following a few kids around his age with suitcases that had just disembarked the train that had arrived from Boston. It took only a minute for Eddie to decide he hated the subway. It was cramped and the dank smell of the underground attacked his senses. There was nowhere to sit and the guy standing next to him was sneezing without covering his mouth.

It would be fine, he told himself. Once he got to campus, he wouldn’t have to take the subway again. He wouldn’t go anywhere too far from campus during the semester, and he convinced himself that by Christmas, he would learn how to hail a taxi and take one then.

Eventually, after way too long of traveling for Eddie’s sake, he finally arrived and checked into his dorm room, a tiny cinderblock room with two beds, two desks, two dressers, pale white walls, and a window that looked out to another dorm building. 

Eddie was hoping for a minute alone, that maybe he would arrive and he would get lucky and have a room to himself, or at least for a little while until his roommate showed, but there he was, lounging on the bed he had claimed for himself.

Eddie’s roommate reminded him a little of Richie, the way his messy, curly hair fell onto his pillow, but he was way too short and built to remind him any further, although he was blasting Metallica from the radio he had hooked up, the only thing he had unpacked thus far, his suitcase sitting unopened in the middle of the room and his bedsheets in a crumpled heap at his feet.

He hadn’t heard Eddie come in, so Eddie went and threw his suitcase on the unclaimed bed, rousing his mysterious roommate from whatever state he was in.

“Hey, dude,” the roommate said. “You my roommate? Uh…” He fumbled for a piece of paper that was tucked underneath him. “…Edward Kaspbrak?”

“Call me Eddie,” Eddie said.

“Eddie,” the roommate stood up, barely two inches taller, and held out his hand. “Dale Santos at your service.”

Eddie politely shook his hand, then turned to start unpacking his things.

“Slow your roll, dude,” Dale said. “We just got here. It’s time to take a load off and meet the neighbors, maybe vibe a little if you know what I mean.”

“I’d rather unpack now,” Eddie said. “We start class on Monday, and I want to be ready.”

“Class?” Dale said as if it was a foreign concept. “We’re freshmen, dude. Class don’t mean shit right now.”

“If it’s all the same,” Eddie explained while putting his clothes away in the dresser on his side of the room, “I still want to do well. I’m not really here to fail out first semester.”

Dale took a seat on his bed. “So, are you like, one of those super nerds or some shit? Like, go to bed early and study on Saturday night bullshit?”

“I’m here on someone else’s dime,” Eddie said remembering his trust. The only thing his father had ever given him was this money, the only thing he had left of his father. He wasn’t about to dishonor his memory by shitting all over his college experience. “I’m not here to waste my time.”

“Alright, alright,” Dale held up his hands in defense. “Let’s cut a deal, then. You lay off me and I lay off you. You can be a nerd as long as you let me fuck around.” He paused and then quickly added, “I’m not gonna fail out and I’m not stupid. I won the money to come here fair and square and I’m not wasting my time either. I’m just having a little fun now that I’m free of my dad’s fucking grips.”

“Sorry,” Eddie mumbled. “Sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. This shit’s all new to me and I don’t even know what I’m doing here.”

“Yeah, alright,” Dale said. “Let’s save the heart to hearts for the midnight shift, huh?”

Eddie smiled. “Only if we can _vibe_ during it.”

Dale nodded. “Hell yeah.” He flopped back on his bed, arms spread out, singing the guitar riff of the song that was playing.

Eddie finished unpacking, found the nearest phone (which was just down the hall), and called Richie. After hours of holding it in, he cried over the phone. Richie calmed him down and made him promise to call the next day before Eddie returned to his room where Dale definitely noticed his red, puffy eyes but didn’t say anything when Eddie crawled into bed facing the wall.

* * *

“How are classes?”

“I love them. It’s only been two days and I love psychology.”

“Psychology? You gonna be a shrink now?”

“They’re called psychiatrists, Rich.”

“Pssh, whatever.”

“Maybe, but I’m still leaning towards nursing.”

“Baby, you sure are a one trick pony.”

“That’s not what you say in bed.”

“Ouch. Why don’t you come here and say that to my face?”

“Would if I could, sweetheart.”

* * *

Eddie fell into an easy routine over the next couple weeks of getting up and going to class and learning to feed himself properly and gettting enough sleep, every night, Dale coming back later and later. Eddie couldn’t be mad at him. He always tried to be quiet and it didn’t help that he was a klutz. 

Eddie liked his professors well enough, although nothing seemed personal with them considering all of his classes were intro level and he was in classes with almost a hundred students. But he didn’t necessarily care about the professors so much as he cared about the content. He really liked his psychology class, as well as his biology and anatomy classes. Still trying to figure out what branch of medicine he was interested in, he decided these classes would help him in any direction he chose, leaning more towards nursing, but enjoying psychology more and more every day.

He found time to study and get his work done and made casual friends with the people sitting near him in each class so they could work together. Nothing substantial. He still ate meals alone. It seemed as though Dale would remain his closest friend for the time, Dale getting them fake I.D.s and taking him out to a few bars over that first weekend. It was fun until Dale started hitting on a girl and then tried to get her to bring her friend over for Eddie and then Eddie claimed he had a headache and wanted to head back. Dale didn’t seem to notice Eddie’s anxiety and said there was always next time.

Eddie appreciated Dale, but he longed for the friends he had at home, the ones that knew he was gay and who (mostly) were queer too.

After Labor Day did it finally feel like school was in session. The first week jitters out of the way and classes finally starting to assign real work and the first tests right around the corner, the clubs started advertising. Nearly every bulletin board and wall were plastered with posters for any kind of club you could imagine: cooking and dance and astronomy.

Eddie only cared about one. He went to the first GSA meeting alone and sat on the floor because of the overwhelming amount of freshmen that had decided to check it out. The president went over some beginning of the year business, letting everyone know he was always available to talk, and going over the event calendar. 

Then, the meeting ended, the president inviting everyone back the next week for board games and getting to know you activities. The freshmen started dispersing while the returners stayed behind to chat idly amongst each other.

Every part of Eddie was telling him to go back to his room, to call it a night and maybe finish his reading for class in the morning, but studying alone in his room every night wasn’t the reason he came here. If that’s all he was going to do, then what was the point of coming alone? He had to fight his anxieties, and do things that would be good for him.

He walked up to the president who had introduced himself as Charlie, junior, accounting major, and very, very gay.

“What’s up, man?” Charlie said as Eddie came up, smiling widely.

“Hi,” Eddie said, “I’m Eddie. I’m just, um, trying to make friends, I guess.”

“Look no further,” Charlie said and introduced Eddie to a few people whose names all blended together. The vice president and the secretary and the treasurer and the treasurer’s girlfriend. “We were all gonna grab a bite if you wanted to join us.”

“I’d love to,” Eddie said.

They went off campus to a small place tucked inside an alley, the whole way there, Eddie not saying a word, scared he’d mess up this chance at finding a group of people like him.

Charlie ended up across from Eddie at the table, keeping his wide smile the entire time, and started asking Eddie about his life.

“So, what made you want to come to GSA?” Charlie asked.

“Uh, I’m…gay,” Eddie said. “I thought it might be nice.”

“Rad,” Charlie said. “Where you from?”

“Maine.”

“No shit, dude,” Charlie said. “I’m from Portland. Please tell me you live close to Portland.”

“Kind of,” Eddie said. “I’m from a little town called Derry.”

“You mean Derry with the child murderer, right?”

“Does – are we that famous?”

“Man,” Charlie said and nudged the girl sitting next to him. “This dude’s from the clown murderer town.”

“Are you serious?” said the girl, Rebecca the treasurer, Eddie tried to remember. “Derry fucking Maine? That story’s so fucking tight! I’m obsessed with that fucko who dressed up as a clown to kill some kids.”

It was only a few years prior, five to be exact, and Eddie remembered that summer horribly. Henry Bowers, the bully that made his life and his friend’s lives a living hell, had dressed up as a clown and killed a few kids. He almost killed Bill’s little brother, but got caught in time. Eddie didn’t think of that summer all too fondly, for that and many other reasons. It was hard to believe that something like that would be someone’s obsession.

“Yeah, well,” Eddie said tersely, “Henry Bowers called me and my friends ‘fairies’ every fucking day until he got arrested for trying to kill my best friend’s little brother. So, sorry if I don’t share your enthusiasm.”

A few heads turned towards Eddie overhearing the word ‘fairy’.

“Geez, dude,” Rebecca said. “It’s just interesting, okay?”

“Cool it, Bec,” Charlie said. “You wouldn’t feel so hot if your town had a serial killer.”

“I’m from Chicago, Charlie,” Rebecca said. “Whatever, it’s not that cool anymore, anyway. What was it? Five years ago? Out of date and boring.” And with that she turned back to the conversation she was having with her girlfriend (Melissa?), although her girlfriend was beginning to look pissed.

“Sorry, man,” Charlie said to Eddie. “I didn’t realize how shitty that might be.”

“It’s fine, I guess,” Eddie said. “I’m here now so whatever he said doesn’t matter anymore.”

“You’re cool,” Charlie said. “Why don’t you come hang with us this weekend? There’s gonna be a killer party at Lambda Chi.” He put a hand to the side of his mouth and dropped his voice. “And Bec’s a lot more chill when she’s high.”

Eddie agreed, and him and Charlie kept talking about how classes were going and how Eddie was getting adjusted and if his roommate was nice and if he left any “friends” back home, and it was nice. And as the evening went on, Eddie started talking to the others, too, jumping into whatever strange thing they were discussing or debating as if his years with Richie had prepared him for this.

He went back to his room later, pulling out his reading to finish before bed. He was almost done when Dale came in a flopped on his bed.

“Bro, I _need_ this weekend to get here,” Dale muttered into his sheets.

“Hard day?” Eddie asked.

“Fucking hell,” Dale said. “I’m thinking we hit up the Lambda Chi Alpha party this weekend.”

Eddie suddenly felt embarrassed for having made plans without Dale. It didn’t seem like he had all that many close friends besides Eddie.

“I, um, I’m going with some other people,” Eddie confessed. “But you can come with us.”

“Yeah?” Dale said, sitting up. “Who are these party animals?”

“Just some…people,” Eddie said hesitating. _Tell him._

Eddie ran over the best- and worst-case scenarios, a trick he learned made him feel better, something to ease his anxiety, something that told him the worst case would not happen. Best case, Dale would throw him a party and celebrate his gayness and they would become best friends forever. Worst case, Dale would headshot him where he sat, and that would be the end.

Middle case, Dale gets weird for a few days, but it ultimately leads to nothing substantial.

“Some people from GSA,” Eddie said. “I went to the meeting tonight and they invited me.”

“You’re going with the fags?” Dale asked. “Are you like…one too?”

Eddie didn’t say anything, unsure of how to respond.

Unfortunately, Dale didn’t seem to know what to say either, and instead left the room without a word.

Eddie had continued with the antidepressants and was still taking them, and they helped with his mood, but his anxiety was still a fish he had to fry. The pills only worked to calm small anxieties like talking to people and unannounced panic attacks, but when something completely rational or large scale came into his life, nothing could stop it.

It was hard to breathe and his heart was in his throat. He bent over in his chair, gripping his hair and trying to find the strength to get up to call Richie. Tears swelled in his eyes, but nothing came. That was always the worst part.

After a minute, he got up. Grateful that the phone was not in use, he called Richie.

“Yello?”

“Richie?” Eddie said. “I have to come home.”

“No, you don’t,” Richie said. This wasn’t the first time Eddie opened up a phone call like this. “When the anxiety is gone, you’re always fine.”

“No, this time’s different. Fuck, I can’t stay here.”

“Talk to me, Eds,” Richie said softly. “C’mon, baby. I’m right here.”

“Fuck, he knows. He knows and he hates me. I can’t stay here.”

“Use your words, baby. I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.”

Words. Words. Eddie could use words. Dale hated him now. He knows. Dales knows Eddie is gay. And now Eddie has to go home. Because Dale hates him. Yeah, Eddie has words.

Eddie rested his forehead against the wall.

“My roommate,” Eddie said slowly, “knows I’m gay. And now? Fuck, he ran off and didn’t say anything and I’m scared shitless.”

“And you wanna come home.”

“I just want you here.”

“It’s fine, baby,” Richie said. “Remember to do your best case, worst case.”

“I did,” Eddie said. “And he did the worst middle case.”

“Then make the scale smaller.”

“Okay…” Eddie thought for a second. “Best case, he comes back with a cake that says ‘congrats’ on it.”

Richie chuckled. “You have to save me a slice if he does.”

“Worst case, he switches roommates and I never talk to him again.”

“Would that be so bad?” Richie asked. “I know he’s your friend, but he’s not the only person there.”

“Right,” Eddie said. “Fuck, I thought he was cool, though.”

“The only cool guy you need in your life is me,” Richie said. “If I hear about you making friends with cool people, I’m gonna come down there and kick their asses.”

“You and what muscle, sweetheart?”

“Me and the nunchucks I bought at a garage sale last weekend,” Richie said. “Maggie has officially ditched her bear and now sleeps with them.”

“Only your kid would sleep with nunchucks rather than a stuffed animal.”

“What can I say? She has taste.”

Eddie went to bed before Dale came back, and he didn’t wake up to Dale tripping over his own feet at any point during the night either. He woke up and almost forgot about what had happened, but then caught sight of Dale asleep in his bed. His breath hitched and he sat up. A piece of paper fell off him and onto the floor.

It was a note from Dale.

“Yo, it doesn’t matter that you’re a fag cause you’re my bro. – Dale”

Eddie smiled to himself before getting ready for class.

* * *

“It’s fine.”

“Good. I’m glad Dale’s a good guy.”

“Well, he keeps saying ‘fag’ instead of ‘gay’ but I’m sure he’ll come around.”

“Baby steps. Speaking of…”

“Don’t tell me Maggie is walking yet. I didn’t think she would for another month.”

“She’s practically there. I can feel it.”

“Richie, if you don’t get it on video, I will kill you.”

* * *

“So, what?” Dale asked after downing a shot. “You got yourself like, a boyfriend or something?”

“Or something,” Eddie said taking a pull on the joint they had. They were pregaming the pregame, getting ready to head over to Charlie’s room in a little bit. They hadn’t had much time to talk in the past couple days, not since the incident, only long enough to say ‘thanks’ and ‘we’re cool’ and move on. And Dale had a lot of questions.

He sat down on the bed next to Eddie and took the joint from him. “So, like, fuck buddies.”

“No,” Eddie said. “I mean, Richie is more than just my boyfriend. We’re like, practically married at this point.”

“And you left him in Maine?”

“Had to,” Eddie explained. “It’s complicated, but I had to come here by myself for a little bit.”

“Bro,” Dale said after taking a hit. “He must really love you to put up with that shit. My girl broke up with me the minute she got into fucking Yale.”

“Her loss,” Eddie said and took the joint back. “You’re a catch.”

“You flatter me, bro,” Dale said. “Worst part is I think I still love her.”

“Thought you said heart to heart were for the midnight shift. Last I checked it’s only 11.”

“Close enough, asshole.”

“You’ll get over her,” Eddie said. “You just gotta get fucking wasted and get handsy with some nameless girl at the party.”

“Consensual handsy.”

“These hands,” Eddie put his hands out in front of him at a full arm’s length, “ _do_ consent, your honor.” Eddie doubled over in laughter as Dale took the joint from him.

“Are you already high, bro?” Dale asked. “We just started.”

“I’m a baby,” Eddie said. “I’m small and I weigh two pounds and yes.”

Eddie continued laughing and fell over into Dale’s shoulder. For a brief second, Eddie was coherent, and thought about how there were lines that should have been firmly drawn between the two of them. Dale wasn’t any of his friends from Derry. There was no telling his boundaries when it came to casual touching.

But Dale laughed and took another pull from the joint. “Guess I’ll have to finish this myself then, Mr. Lightweight.”

“I’m not lightweight,” Eddie said standing up. “Watch this shit.”

He almost did it. He almost grabbed the bottle of vodka and took a swig from it. But something stopped him at the last minute, likely the same thing that told him to buy the bottle of Svedka over the bottle of Jack’s like Dale had wanted.

Instead, he took three shot glasses and filled them up.

“You’re gonna die,” Dale said but made no effort to stop Eddie.

“You wish,” Eddie said before downing all three shots. He never thought he would like the taste of alcohol, especially vodka, although he had started coming around on whiskey before…

He took a deep breath and swallowed the panic attack. “Let’s go.”

“Hold on, slick,” Dale said. “Lemme finish this.”

They left a few minutes later they were out, walking across campus to Charlie’s apartment which, luckily for them, was situated only a block away from the frat houses. He had a roommate, someone Eddie vaguely recognized from the GSA meeting but not from dinner afterwards. Eddie didn’t have time to meet him properly because as soon as he showed up, the guy ran off with his boyfriend to wherever they were going.

Everyone else was already there, about the same amount of drunk or high that Eddie and Dale were, and when Eddie walked in, two of them raised their glasses to “the new cutie pie” before laughing. The only one that seemed sober was Charlie, although he admitted that he had already had a few drinks.

Somehow, they got Eddie to down a few more drinks before they left. At point, Eddie had lost track, or maybe he started doing doubles? He couldn’t remember.

He could still walk, and that was all he needed.

They went outside, and that girl, Rebecca, walked next to him.

“Hey, dude,” she said. “Sorry about before. I get defensive over weird shit.”

“Not a problem,” Eddie said. “It was fucking years ago.”

“Did that guy really almost kill your friend’s brother?”

“Yeah,” Eddie said, then started laughing. “How fucked up is that?” It wasn’t funny, at least, not to his rational brain, but Eddie’s brain never made sense to him when he was drunk.

Rebecca laughed too and linked arms with Eddie. He didn’t realize how much energy he had been putting into walking until she was there to lean on.

The Lambda Chi house was the largest house Eddie had ever seen, practically a mansion, but one of the guys mentioned that it was the smallest frat on campus. Eddie couldn’t imagine a bigger house, and walking in was even worse than getting off the train.

Too many people.

Way too many.

The music was too loud.

Flashing lights. Too bright.

Eddie almost collapsed on the ground, but he stayed standing. Rebecca left him to run off somewhere with her girlfriend and a few other people. Dale grabbed Eddie’s arm and pulled him to where Charlie was motioning to follow.

The kitchen was much quieter, although the bass of the speakers was still throbbing through the house. Eddie could feel every beat vibrate through his chest, but his heart rate was louder.

Eddie leaned against the counter, finally tuning into whatever was being said as Charlie handed him a cup.

“It’s water,” Charlie said. He held up another cup. “And this one’s a little liquid luck. But you have to drink the water first.”

Eddie looked to Dale who was pouring himself something, not paying too much attention. Eddie drank the water, then took the other cup. He didn’t drink it right away, but held it close to his chest, ready for the next wave of anxiety to take over.

“It’s a lot,” Eddie mumbled.

“Yeah,” Charlie agreed. “But you got it now, right? We can go dance?”

“Or,” Dale chimed in, “I can take you back cause you seem fucked.” Dale had offered, but it seemed like the last thing he wanted to do. He had been talking about this party all week. Eddie couldn’t take him away from it. And besides, Eddie wanted to dance.

A new song came on, a song Eddie could remember Richie screaming the words to a year and a half ago as they sat in his truck while Eddie waited for Richie to make his move. It was the worst song in existence and Eddie’s favorite song ever.

“I have to dance now,” Eddie said.

Dale raised an eyebrow and smiled. “To ‘Baby Got Back’? You really are fucked, bro.”

“C’mon,” Charlie said pushing him out of the kitchen.

Eddie was feeling every second of the song, and he let himself forget about Richie for a minute, letting himself feel free and dance with Charlie. But he stopped himself when his brain started thinking about how attractive Charlie was, how tall and strong he was and how his beard complemented his face so well.

That didn’t make Eddie feel good at all.

So, he downed the “liquid luck”. He never asked Charlie what was in there, and the bite of Fireball hit him like a ton of bricks.

There was a flash of panic, a blur of frantic motions, the weight of death. Somehow, Eddie collapsed outside in grass, unable to breath, unable to stand. All he could think about was the sobriety that wouldn’t come.

He didn’t know what was happening when someone helped him up. Dale helped him back to their room and Eddie passed out on his bed before he could even take his shoes off.

* * *

“I went to a party last night.”

“Yeah? I’d ask you how wasted you got but it doesn’t sound like you had fun.”

“I’m dealing with it.”

“Really? That’s good. What happened?”

“No one told me it was whiskey.”

“Baby, I’m sorry. Are you okay?”

“Like I said, I’m dealing with it…and I want to come home.”

“I know. You can do this.”

* * *

Eddie stayed in bed for the remainder of the weekend, only getting up long enough to finish his homework. He didn’t have the energy to shower or eat, only enough to keep working so he wouldn’t fall behind. It was hard to make himself his first priority when schoolwork and the threat of failing was weighing him down.

Dale came back late Sunday night, and Eddie was still awake. He hadn’t felt like sleeping much.

Dale sat on his bed, looking at Eddie. “Should we talk about it? Or were you just tweaking?”

Eddie shrugged.

“Cause you’ve been in bed all weekend, bro. I’d hate to see you so fucked up.”

“Bad stuff,” Eddie said. “I’m not…okay…I guess. But I’m dealing with it.”

“Can I guess?” Dale asked. “Was it about your boyfriend? You were getting close to that guy, so I don’t know what you’re feeling.”

Fuck. Eddie had forgotten that thought, that brief, one-second long thought. He didn’t want to remember it. He didn’t want to remember that he forgot about Richie to justify thinking Charlie was hot.

“No,” Eddie said and pulled his pillow over his head.

“It’s alright, bro,” Dale said. “You’re allowed to look if you don’t touch. Museum rules if you’re taken. Long as you go back to your guy, it doesn’t matter.”

Eddie sat up. “That’s not…I know that.” He paused, debating how much he ought to say to avoid telling too much but enough to get Dale off his back. “It’s like a…post-traumatic stress or whatever. Whiskey is, I mean.”

“Seriously?” Dale asked. “That’s why you didn’t get Jack’s like I asked.”

“I can’t drink it,” Eddie explained. “Panic attacks and shit.”

“That blows, dude,” Dale said moving to lounge on his bed. “Least you can still smoke with me.”

That appeared to be the end of it as Dale turned on his radio. It wasn’t over for Eddie. He would think about this for another couple of days and gag horribly when he tried taking his pills every morning during that time, but he would move on. Charlie kept a close eye on Eddie for awhile, and suggested that he didn’t go out anymore if that’s what would happen, that maybe Eddie didn’t belong at parties and should stay in on the weekends instead. Eddie knew he meant well, but instead chose to keep going to the bars that he and Dale liked, avoiding parties altogether.

Charlie wouldn’t have to know. It wasn’t his business anyway.

* * *

“Hey, listen to this.”

“Rich, tell me beforehand so you don’t scare me.”

“…”

“Richie.”

“ _Go on. Who’s on the phone? You know who this is._ ”

“Is that my little girl? Hi, peanut.”

“Ah-dee.”

“What? Say that again, Maggie. Who am I?”

“Ah-dee, ah-dee, ah-dee.”

“Th-that’s right. Eddie. It’s – it’s me, peanut.”

“Did you hear her?”

“Ye-yeah, Rich. I heard.”

“Are you crying, baby?”

“Shut up.”

* * *

The leaves changed as summer faded into fall and the students began sporting fashionable jackets and hats and boots. Suddenly, Eddie felt very out of style as he walked outside wearing Richie’s old jacket and a pair of beat up sneakers that he’s had for two years. But Eddie never wanted to be fashionable. 

What really had him longing for something new was when the GSA vice president Dana showed off their new tattoo. They were halfway to a full sleeve, going in every couple weeks for something new to be added. They also had a few scattered over the rest of their body, a few on their legs, back, and one on the back of their neck.

Eddie was practically salivating over the idea of marking up his body like that.

The idea of a tattoo was such a foreign concept to him. His mother never would have allowed it. Marking his body permanently with dangerous chemicals using a dangerous method of injecting them into his skin was an absolutely horrendous idea that shouldn’t even be thought about. What if it looks bad? What if the artist messes up? What if you hate it in ten years? What if something goes wrong and you end up in the hospital?

But his mother wasn’t here, and he wanted a tattoo. Dana took Eddie to the place she always went to, the place that she knew the artist personally and knew things would be fine.

The problem came when he didn’t know what he wanted. He wanted something personal, something that would mean something to him, but he didn’t know what.

Until a mark on the artist’s skin caught his eye.

“I like that one,” Eddie said pointing to the guy’s wrist. “The star.”

“The nautical star?” the artist asked. “You sure, man? A lot of people around here think it’s a gay tattoo.”

“I brought him from GSA, Clyde,” Dana said. “I’m sure it’s fine.”

“I want it,” Eddie said. “I like it.”

Clyde the tattoo artist helped him pick a spot, saying that the upper right part of his chest would mean he won a bar fight or something like that as he recalled something another patron had told him. While he was doing, he explained the history of the tattoo to Eddie to get his mind off of the pain.

It was an old military sign. In the ‘40s and ‘50s, queer men in the military would get a nautical star tattoo to show others that they were queer. Different colors supposedly meant different things, but the basic history was all that Clyde knew.

He kept rambling on about other tattoo history, none of it sticking to Eddie the way the star history did.

When it was done, Eddie nearly cried. He loved it. The only thing that would have made it better would have been to see his mother’s face if he could show her. Maybe he would when he went home in December. Maybe he would relish in the fact that she couldn’t own him anymore, that he was in charge of himself, that he was his own and no one else’s.

* * *

“I got a tattoo.”

“No shit. Is it hot?”

“Why would I get a tattoo if it wasn’t hot?”

“Touché. What is it?”

“A nautical star on my chest.”

“Your chest? Mail me a pic, would ya? I’m missing my man.”

“Your man doesn’t have a camera, unfortunately. You can see it when I come home.”

“In December.”

“And by then it will have healed and you can get your grubby little hands all over it.”

“Baby, these grubby little hands will be all yours in December.”

* * *

Midterms nearly killed Eddie. Between papers and projects and exams, he hardly slept or ate but still managed to find time to call Richie for at least an hour every day, sometimes more. Even when he knew he ought to be studying, purposely missing the study sessions the T.A.s put on, or when he should have been getting a good night’s sleep, he would find himself unable to hang up, unable to let Richie go.

He had missed him horribly up until this time, but this seemed to be his breaking point. With the stress of classes, the only thing he found himself desiring was Richie. It was bad, and he didn’t even realize it until he nearly passed out from sleep deprivation while on the phone. He had been killing time. Richie said Maggie would be up from her nap soon, and Eddie tried to hold out so he could talk to her, but instead he nodded off and banged his head into the wall and ended up with a nasty bruise for the next week.

Something had to be done about this. Eddie hadn’t missed a day to call Richie since he had gotten there, but something had to be done. He couldn’t keep living like this.

There were counselors on campus available to students. Eddie hadn’t talked to a professional since he talked to Dr. Hammond almost a year ago. She had helped him so much and was the entire reason he was here alone. Maybe someone else could give him the push he needed to finish the semester.

He made an appointment with a man name Dr. Harvey Beck who had a large nose with an equally large mustache and a combover.

Eddie gave him the spiel, the quick version of his shitty mother and his visit to the hospital and his attempt at gaining independence, then asked what he ought to do so he wouldn’t end up in the same spot he had been in before. Eddie was slowly killing himself, he knew that, but he needed to know what to do.

“You talk with your boyfriend every day?” Dr. Beck asked.

“Yeah,” Eddie admitted. “Sometimes twice if I call when my kid is sleeping.”

“I think that’s your problem,” Dr. Beck explained. “If you want independence, then you need to take it. The solution is simple. Stop calling him.”

“Stop…calling?” Eddie asked.

“Not altogether, mind you,” Dr. Beck said. “But you call him too much. Every couple days would suffice, or perhaps down to once a week. You say you need to survive for two more months, yes? It will be hard, but once the time is up, you need not worry about it any longer.”

Maybe Eddie did call home too much. Maybe he was too reliant on Richie to calm him down, even now that he was 500 miles away. Maybe there were some problems he could try and handle himself.

So, Eddie tried it. He told Richie ahead of time so he wouldn’t worry, that they’d start out with every other day, and then every two or three, and then eventually down to once a week, and by then, it would practically be time for him to come home. They would be fine. They had to be.

* * *

“She threw the cake on the ground and then started crying when I wouldn’t let her eat it.”

“Sounds like you.”

“Baby, I wouldn’t let rules get in the way of me eating cake off the ground.”

“And neither would Maggie, apparently.”

“I sent the pictures out yesterday, so you should get them soon.”

“Can you even believe that exactly one year ago you nearly punched a Child Services rep for trying to get you give her up?”

“Time flies, doesn’t it?”

“Do you think she’ll start walking soon?”

“She’s on the verge, I can feel it. I’ve got the camera fucking glued to my hand waiting for it. Mom does too when I’m at work.”

“Can you put Maggie on? I want to talk to her.”

“She’s napping. Sorry, Eds.”

“Then give her a big, sloppy kiss from me when she gets up.”

* * *

The pictures came the next week with an eight-page letter attached. Well, it was seven-pages and a crude painting with splattered colors and a baby footprint. Eddie hung the painting on his wall before looking at anything else.

A cascade of polaroid photos came tumbling out of the envelope and Eddie sifted through them. One of Maggie with her cake in front of her, and one with her crying and the cake splattered on the ground. One of her and Richie, one of her and Maggie and Went, and one of her and Mike. There were a few more photos of random things happening, like breakfast and Maggie sleeping and Richie’s feet as he lay in bed. 

And one last one of Richie in the bed of his truck. It was nighttime and he was holding a beer in his left hand, flipping the camera off with his right. Eddie tucked that one in his wallet.

The rest of the photos went under his pillow to look through before he went to sleep.

He started the letter.

Richie had spent the last two months detailing everything Maggie had done that was noteworthy, which meant a lot of notes about how loud her burp was after lunch. That was the bulk of the letter, ending with her birthday party.

“She pushed the cake on the floor and Mom had to run out and get a new one. My grandparents flew in for the week and they went fucking nuts over getting her all kinds of presents. Mike’s present was the best, though. He made her a little wooden horse that he carved himself. It’s so fucking rad and Mike won’t take the fucking compliment.

“(Also, did you hear? Mike’s applying to Michigan for next year to go with Billy, but we can talk about that on the phone.)

“Anyway, love you and miss you like fucking crazy. And I’m still super proud of you. I wish you could send me a pic of you and your tat but I guess I’ll have to survive with the countless other not as hot pictures I have of you. But I guess I can give you another one of me that Mike took when we were out getting high on the farm. Mike says I look cute in it, and I’m sure you think so too.

“As Shakespeare said ‘I humbly do beseech of your pardon, for too much loving you and wanting to plow you into tomorrow’.”

Richie closed the letter with a stick figure drawing of the two of them holding hands, and Eddie hung that up on his wall as well.

* * *

“I got it on video!”

“Good. That’s – that’s good, Rich.”

“I wish you could have seen it. She was so proud of herself.”

“I’ll see it when I get home.”

“Two more months, baby.”

“Two months.”

* * *

Charlie was an accounting major and Eddie had to take a math class. He only had to take the one and he would be done with math for the rest of his life, so he took it this semester to get it over with. The only problem was he still needed a tutor. That was where Charlie came in.

Eddie was taking Calculus 1 which wasn’t quite the same thing, but Charlie was good at math and actually liked it which led to him and Eddie working on homework together often.

Charlie didn’t understand Eddie sometimes, and that was clear when Eddie tried to explain why he freaked out that one time they went to a party and all Charlie could think was that Eddie couldn’t hold his liquor. But Eddie ignored it because they got along well enough at GSA and while they did homework and when Eddie came by to hang out with the GSA executive board. There would be that disconnect between them and that was okay because Eddie still enjoyed being with Charlie.

They were walking to the library one afternoon in late October when Eddie pointed out a Halloween party flyer. He wanted to go, and would have loved going with the GSA, but would have dragged Dale along anyway, who would have brought some guys from their hall if the GSA didn’t want to go.

“We don’t really do Halloween,” Charlie said. “Ends up being a mess when some dude walks in wearing a dress.”

“What do you mean?” Eddie asked.

“You know how Becca is,” Charlie said.

Eddie nodded because he did. She was quick to get defensive and stubborn in her ways. You had to fight to get to know her, but once you did, she would die for you. But if you crossed her, she would kill you.

“It’s not really cool to trans people or drag queens for guys to wear dresses like that on Halloween,” Charlie said. “So, she goes off on anyone who does.”

“Oh,” Eddie said. He was still learning and it seemed like there was so much he still didn’t know.

“There is this club in Brooklyn that we like to go to, though,” Charlie said. “You ever seen a drag queen, Eddie?”

“You know I haven’t,” Eddie said.

“Then you have to join us,” Charlie threw his arm over Eddie’s shoulders. “I won’t let you say no.”

So, Eddie said yes because he was interested and he liked his new friends.

They took taxis to get there and Eddie studied the way Dana threw her arm out to hail one. He ended up squished in the backseat with Rebecca and her girlfriend as the two of them tried to get Eddie to talk to them about Richie. Eddie had mentioned him a few times, but never spoke about him for long, not wanting to miss him too much, but these two wanted all of the details, especially since Eddie would start bringing him around soon.

“How long have you been dating?” Melissa asked.

“Year and a half?” Eddie said. “Something like that.”

“Who asked who out?” Rebecca asked.

“He asked me,” Eddie said, “but I confessed first.”

“That’s so cute,” Melissa said. “I asked Bec out when she wouldn’t pick up on my flirting.”

“You weren’t flirting,” Rebecca said. “Buying me coffee everyday isn’t flirting.”

“Sounds better than me,” Eddie chimed in. “I could’ve kissed Richie on the mouth and he still would have thought it was platonic. In fact, I did…twice.”

“Shut up,” Melissa said.

“I can’t wait to meet him,” Rebecca said.

The club was tucked away underneath some other bar that was almost empty. The bouncer eyed each of them and only asked for Eddie’s I.D. He showed him the fake and the bouncer thought it was cute and really well made and let Eddie in anyway. (“I remember being 18. The clubs were all we had back then.”)

It was loud and sweaty and it was nothing like the party that Eddie had gone to. This place was for him. People were dancing like it was the end of the world, downing drinks and dancing on each other, all dressed like they were insane, but Eddie had to remember it was Halloween. But that still didn’t explain the extremely tall woman that paraded around on stage lip-syncing a song and performing acrobatics in eight-inch heels.

_A drag queen_ , Eddie thought. He wished Richie were here. Richie would have loved this place. So would Bev. Eddie could see the three of them coming here and getting wasted before stumbling home after getting kicked out when the place closed. It sounded like heaven.

But right now, he had his new friends, and they were giving him drinks and dancing with him and making sure he was having fun.

And he loved them for it, but it made him miss everyone he had left behind with such a heavy heart. He decided to drink the pain away and focus on the people with him now. He would see his friends again, but right now he would live in the moment, become the person he was supposed to become, and exist in a place he was allowed to exist in, a place he was celebrated in.

It felt like no time had passed when the DJ announced last call and Eddie and his friends were stumbling up to the surface to wander the city streets, tired enough to need the halt in their party, but not so tired that they wanted to head back to campus.

“That place was so cool,” Eddie said as he sat on a bench in the park they had wandered into.

“We really know how to party, huh?” Charlie said, sitting next to him.

Eddie leaned on his shoulder. “The fucking best. I can’t believe my mom tried to scare me away from here.”

“From where?” Rebecca asked. “New York?”

“Yeah,” Eddie said, still buzzed. “She thinks every fucking queer in New York has AIDS.” He laughed at that even though he didn’t think it was funny. “Can’t wait to go home and tell her all about it.”

The mood had dropped and no one said anything after that. The silence was not lost on Eddie.

“I mean,” Eddie said sitting back up, “my mom’s a piece of shit. She made me think there was something wrong with me for so many years and I…I guess it feels nice to know there isn’t. That places like that exist for me and I can be happy.”

“I understand that,” Dana said. “I’m from a town upstate and my uncle was convinced that if I rode the subway, I’d get AIDS.”

“There’s nothing wrong with you, Eddie,” Charlie said. “You’re one of us.”

After that, they decided to head back to campus, and Charlie walked Eddie back to his room. Dale was still out wherever he had gone, or was sleeping things off in someone else’s room. It wouldn’t have been the first time.

Eddie thanked Charlie for walking him back, and Charlie invited himself in to make sure Eddie got to bed.

“I’m not drunk, Charlie,” Eddie said. “I’m pleasantly tipsy and will be sober after I take a shower.”

“Just making sure you’re okay,” Charlie said. He looked around and Eddie suddenly realized that Charlie had never been to his room before and became embarrassed by the pile of unfinished homework on his desk.

Charlie pointed to Maggie’s painting on the wall. “You do that?” he teased.

“Ha ha,” Eddie said. “No, it was…my kid. She’s really talented.”

“Your kid?” Charlie asked.

That wasn’t a conversation he had with many people. Dale knew, and that was about it. People didn’t need to know, and Eddie didn’t really like bringing up the fact that he left both Richie and Maggie at home. It was hard enough missing them, he didn’t need other people guilting him over it.

“Uh, yeah,” Eddie said. “My boyfriend’s kid, really. But she’s practically mine too.”

“But not your real kid,” Charlie stated.

“N-no,” Eddie said. “She is mine. She’s biologically Richie’s, but she’s our kid.”

“Sure,” Charlie said, not seeming thoroughly convinced. “So, what? He dated a girl before you?”

“Yeah, he’s bisexual,” Eddie explained.

“Oh.”

Eddie wanted Charlie gone. They often spoke about queer issues and history, and Charlie never seemed to have a problem with bisexuality, but the way he reacted felt forced, like he wanted to say something but figured he shouldn’t because it would have been about Richie.

“I should get to bed,” Eddie said trying to push Charlie out.

“You sure?” Charlie said smiling. “You don’t seem that tired and I’m not either. Besides, I want to see a picture of y-your kid.”

Eddie intense love for Maggie took over. He loved looking at pictures of her and suddenly desperately wanted to show a picture of her to Charlie.

“C’mon,” Eddie smiled and sat on his bed. He pulled the picture out from under his pillow and showed them to Charlie who sat next to him. “Here she is. Her name is Maggie, um, after Richie’s mom.”

“That’s nice,” Charlie said flipping through the pictures. He got to the one with Richie and Maggie.

“That’s Richie,” Eddie said.

“Why’d you come here without them?” Charlie asked. “I mean, shouldn’t you want them here with you?”

“I do,” Eddie said. “It’s complicated.”

“I have all night,” Charlie said.

Charlie leaned in slightly and their shoulders bumped. Eddie scoot down the bed putting space in between them.

“I’m pretty tired,” Eddie said. “I can tell you another time.”

Eddie grabbed his pictures from Charlie and stuck them back under his pillow. Charlie stared at him, and his eyes flicked down to Eddie’s lips. Eddie’s heart threatened to beat out of his chest.

_Stop._

Charlie leaned in and Eddie leaned back.

“What are you doing?” Eddie asked.

“Don’t be like that,” Charlie said with a cocky grin.

“Why did you walk me back to my room, Charlie? You never do shit like that.”

“I was being nice,” Charlie said. “C’mon, quit acting like that.” Charlie tried going in again and Eddie jumped out of bed and landed with a thud on the floor.

He quickly stood up. “I have a boyfriend.”

“Your boyfriend in Derry?” Charlie asked. “What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him. I like you, Eddie, and I’m right here. And I’m not an indecisive slut. At least I can pick a side.”

“Get out,” Eddie said. “Get the fuck out of my room.”

“Fine,” Charlie said standing up. He went to the door and stopped at the last second. “When he finally realizes that he’d rather be with a girl, don’t come crawling back to me.”

And with that, Charlie left.

Eddie wanted to call Richie right then and there, but instead he cried himself to sleep and waited to tell him in the morning. Richie wasn’t mad, and Eddie wasn’t upset anymore. Richie was everything to him and he wasn’t about to let some asshole who didn’t even know him talk about him like that. Charlie could go fuck himself. Richie was the furthest thing from indecisive, Eddie fondly remembering the vague marriage proposal on their second date.

Eddie stopped going to GSA after that. And everyone noticed.

* * *

“I just feel so stupid. I thought he was my friend.”

“You couldn’t have known, Eddie. Sometimes people turn out to be assholes.”

“But I really thought Charlie was cool. You should have heard the shit he said about you.”

“Probably nothing I haven’t heard before.”

“What, that you’re an indecisive slut?”

“I am pretty indecisive. You know how I am at Blockbuster.”

“But you’re not a slut, that’s for sure.”

“Are you calling me a virgin loser?”

“Sweetheart, I know you’re a virgin loser.”

* * *

To say the GSA noticed that Eddie stopped showing was an understatement. He missed the next one after his incident with Charlie and as soon as it was over, Rebecca was at his door wondering where he had been.

Eddie explained in a very vague way that he and Charlie weren’t getting along.

“Did he try coming on to you?” Rebecca asked.

“How did you know?”

“Because he’s been into you since day one,” Rebecca said. “I’ve been trying to stop him since you have a boyfriend, but he seems to think that you and him are inevitable since your boyfriend didn’t bother to come with you.”

Eddie invited her in and explained everything, showing her the pictures too. He explained even further than he told Charlie, telling her everything about his trip to the hospital and why he had to come alone.

“It’s not like he didn’t want to come,” Eddie said. “He had to stay back if I wanted to get better.”

“That fucking sucks,” Rebecca said. She pulled her sleeve down to show Eddie her wrist, scars visible, striking Eddie to his core. “I get it. Life really fucking sucks sometimes. And Charlie is a dick when he doesn’t get what he wants.”

Rebecca convinced Eddie to come back to GSA, that they would have elections at the end of the semester anyway and she was running for president the next term, or at least, she would if someone would nominate her, which is when she gave an overexaggerated nudge and wink to Eddie. 

Eddie decided he would, even though he had started thinking about how he likely wouldn’t be able to keep up with attendance next semester if Richie and Maggie were to move out there with him. He would be way too busy for something like that, but it didn’t mean he couldn’t help his friend out and enjoy his time with the club before it had to come to an end.

But it suddenly hit Eddie that he ought to be looking for new housing for next semester, exploring apartments near campus, and maybe even looking into cheap daycare places. Eddie had almost forgotten what it was like to have so much responsibility, and even when he was at home, Richie’s parents were a huge help. They wouldn’t be around to offer anything except money in a few months, and Eddie had to keep that in mind.

As it turned out, apartments were expensive. Even one-bedroom places ran over Eddie’s predicted budget as he tried to plan out the next three and a half years around his trust and potential income.

Dale came with Eddie to most of the places he visited, and each one was shittier than the last, somehow continually going up in price.

Eddie lamented about the campus-owned apartments, the ones that were set aside for students that were married or had children, but of course, the student had to provide either a marriage certificate or birth certificate, of which Eddie had neither. They were substantially cheaper than the apartments off-campus, a two-bedroom running about the same rate as a one-bedroom, but unfortunately for Eddie, that couldn’t happen.

Or at least he thought.

“You know,” Dale said after Eddie said this very thing while they paced around the fourth apartment that weekend, “my uncle works in admissions. It’s not housing, but I’m sure he could pull some strings.”

“I don’t have any of the paperwork, though,” Eddie said. “Richie and I can’t get married and Maggie’s not technically my kid. They’d never go for it.”

“That’s why Roy is gonna pull some strings,” Dale said. “I’ll talk to him…and maybe have the kid’s birth certificate ready just in case.” He leaned against the doorway and there was a distinct crack sound as he did.

“Yeah,” Eddie said. “You would be my best friend forever if you could swing that.”

Dale talked to Uncle Roy in admissions and it took two long weeks before he got an answer back.

“Roy says they still need a birth certificate,” Dale said over lunch one day. “It’s for their records or whatever the fuck, but if you can get them that…well, Richie needs to do it cause he’s the dad, but if you can get that, you’re golden, Ponyboy.”

And it was set. Things were falling into place for Eddie. He was finally understanding the content he was learning, he got the apartment he wanted, Rebecca had won the election and Charlie was pissed, and Dale was rushing Lambda Chi so he wouldn’t need a new roommate. The panic attacks had started subsiding, he had a schedule, and he wasn’t missing Richie as much as he used to, although he did miss him just enough to not worry about it.

And the best part was he hadn’t thought about his mother in over a month.

Things finally felt okay.

* * *

“Two more days, baby.”

“I can’t even think about that. I have two finals tomorrow.”

“And you’re not studying? For shame.”

“It’s because you made me promise to call today, asshole.”

“Sounds like excuses to me. Not my fault if you fail out.”

“I’m hanging up.”

“Don’t be like that, Eds. Two more days and I can get my hands on you.”

“Two more days until I can suck you dry.”

“I’m getting hard just thinking about it.”

“Good. But I really do have to go. Anatomy is going to be killer if I don’t learn the bones.”

“The only bone you need to know is mine.”

“Goodbye, Richie.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have MOST of the next chapter done. Idk when I'll find the wherewithal to finish it??? But hopefully soon???
> 
> Anyway, hope you enjoyed!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly almost abandoned this fic :((( but when people comment that the first one and this one are among their favorites, and that my writing is really good, it motivates me so much. So like, this is for everyone that comments on my fics <3
> 
> TW: suicide reference

Richie arrived at the train station an hour early. He didn’t want to keep Eddie waiting for any amount of time. He wanted to be there to see Eddie get off the train as he imagined a big romantic scene of them running into each other’s arms like it was the end of some shitty romance movie, like the kind his mom liked.

That was the dream.

So, he sat idle for an hour, watching people come and go and other trains breeze by the station as he watched the arrival and departure board shift. Until finally, it read “New York City, 10:45”.

Richie checked his watch. Only ten minutes until Eddie would be home. Only ten minutes left of the four-month separation they had. Only ten minutes left until the shittiest four months of his life were over.

The worst thing that had happened was when Eddie said he needed to stop calling as much as he did. Richie understood, and there was nothing he could do about it if Eddie wanted to be the best person he could be, but then where would that leave Richie? If Eddie was his best self, why would Richie deserve someone like him?

He had to stop thinking like that. Eddie loved him. And this separation wasn’t about Richie to begin with. Richie wasn’t the one that nearly killed himself because of how much he hated being alive. Richie wasn’t the one with the horrible mother that made him feel like he wasn’t worth existing.

Eddie deserved this. Eddie deserved the world and Richie was ready to give it to him, but he had to come home first.

The train pulled up and Richie’s heart started pounding as his face broke into a grin.

And there he was, smiling just was broadly as Richie was. He practically ran at Richie and skipped the last two steps to jump into Richie’s arms. Richie lifted him off the ground, holding him close, not ready to let go.

But he had to if he wanted to kiss him. And fuck, did he want to kiss him.

So, he did. He pressed his lips against Eddie’s as Eddie moved his hands to hold Richie’s face. He tasted like coffee and sunshine, and Richie was eating it up.

Eddie pulled back and grabbed the bag he dropped.

“Let me take that,” Richie offered, and Eddie handed him his bag.

“What a gentleman,” Eddie said. He was still smiling. He was glowing. Did he always look like that?

Richie took Eddie’s bag in one hand and Eddie’s hand with the other, pulling him off to where he had parked the car. Richie took Eddie to lunch before they started back to Derry, wanting to hear everything that had happened, everything he learned, all the friends he made. Everything that couldn’t be said over the phone. Everything he missed.

Most of it, Richie had already heard about. He knew about the roommate Dale, and the GSA and Eddie’s new friends and the asshole Charlie. He knew about biology and anatomy and the nursing program application. He had heard about the bars and the parties and clubs. He learned about the apartment that Eddie had gotten them and the three daycares that Eddie had narrowed it down to.

And most importantly, he learned about the whiskey situation. Eddie hadn’t told him about that time in September that he had a breakdown over drinking whiskey. Eddie didn’t know why he didn’t say anything. Probably the same reason he didn’t mention the insomnia, or rather the nightmares that Eddie tried to avoid, the same ones that still didn’t go away, even after all this time.

“I didn’t want you to worry,” Eddie said.

Richie could understand that. It was the same reason he didn’t tell Eddie about how lonely he had been these past few months. Sure, Mike was around, and Richie was busy with work anyway, but Richie didn’t realize how lonely life was without Eddie.

“That’s okay,” Richie said. “We’re in this together, right?”

Eddie smiled, and Richie felt warm.

“I missed you so much,” Richie said, voice wavering. “I didn’t realize how lonely I was until I saw you.”

“Well, I’m back,” Eddie said, taking Richie’s hand from across the table, “and I’m taking you with me this time.”

There was something about Eddie that was new, something bright and shiny and beautiful that Richie couldn’t seem to get over. He didn’t know if something had changed, or if he had just missed Eddie that much.

But he couldn’t get over Eddie.

He couldn’t get over how Eddie ran inside the house and it only took Maggie a few minutes to remember him, giving him a hug and a kiss on the cheek. He couldn’t get over how Eddie toted her around as she kept repeating his name like she was trying to show off, and how he wouldn’t stop smiling at her. He couldn’t get over how his mother almost started crying when she hugged Eddie, telling him to sit with her in the kitchen over a cup of tea and tell her everything that happened.

And he definitely couldn’t get over Eddie’s hands, constantly touching him and reaching for him, stroking his thigh at the dinner table, and holding his hand while they watched TV, and tracing shapes on his back while he brushed his teeth.

It gave Richie the reassurance he needed, that Eddie missed him just as much as he missed Eddie.

That night, Richie’s parents had Maggie sleep with them to give him and Eddie “some space”. Richie knew what that meant, even if his parents wouldn’t admit it.

But when Eddie sat in bed, reclaiming his side, he looked sad for the first time all day.

“It’s December 10th,” Eddie said.

“Yeah,” Richie said, joining him in bed. “What about it?”

Eddie didn’t say anything and started wringing his hands together.

Richie racked his head over why that day would be significant. It wasn’t their anniversary, nor was it anyone’s birthday.

“I didn’t even notice the date until a minute ago,” Eddie said. “I was too excited about coming home that I didn’t even realize…” He started rubbing the back of his neck.

“One year ago,” Richie said remembering. “You…um…”

“Tried to kill myself,” Eddie finished.

“I thought you weren’t trying to,” Richie said.

“I’ve…come to terms with it,” Eddie said. “Maybe I didn’t on purpose but…I wanted to.”

“But you don’t anymore,” Richie said.

“The minute I woke up, I didn’t want to,” Eddie said. “This…these months were so hard sometimes, but I had to remember what happened. Why I was doing it. I’m – I’m sorry I had to leave you, and you didn’t deserve that, but you know why I had to.”

“Of course, I do,” Richie said. “God, don’t think about me in this. It’s about you, remember?”

“You were lonely, Rich,” Eddie said. “You have to talk to me, too.”

“I was,” Richie said. “You – you got so shiny. You’re glowing now. I don’t know if I can keep up.”

Eddie stared at Richie, and Richie thought he was going to combust. Richie didn’t realize he could have fallen deeper in love with Eddie, but he had. He was committed. He wasn’t about to give Eddie up easily, and he thought about how if they were a regular couple, if they could do regular things, he would have gone out and got a ring the next day.

“If it’s any consolation,” Eddie said, “you’re like, super…uh, I like that word shiny. You’re shiny, too. Like, I forgot how much I loved you, somehow.”

“Well, you’re here, now,” Richie said. “We’re both here and I think that’s all that matters.”

“I wanna marry you, Richie,” Eddie said. “I wish that we could.”

Richie let out a soft laugh. He and Eddie were so different that sometimes he forgot about the ways they were exactly the same. That goddamn stupid impulsiveness.

“You read my mind, baby,” Richie said. “I was just thinking about putting a ring on it.”

Eddie smiled. “Then we can promise each other. Oh wait,” he scrunched his face. “Not promise cause that’s like promise rings and promise rings are for straight people.”

“Straight people who can’t wait to get married to have sex,” Richie continued. “And they’re scared God will smite them if they dare to look at each other naked before they are joined in holy matrimony.”

“So, God’s gonna smite us?”

“Baby,” Richie said, “if God was gonna smite me, he would have done it the day I was born.”

Eddie laughed, and Richie melted. “I missed you so much,” Eddie said.

Eddie threw a leg over Richie to straddle him, and Richie felt like it was the first time all over again. He gently put his hands on Eddie’s hips and Eddie ran his fingers through Richie’s hair.

“I’m gonna show you how much I missed you,” Eddie whispered before kissing Richie soft and slow, moving his mouth and inviting Richie in.

But Richie had regressed. He had forgotten how to kiss and how to love Eddie, or maybe he had moved back to that first night when he wanted to make sure Eddie was okay, and the only thing he could think about was not jumping to any conclusions, to wait for Eddie to tell him exactly what he meant, to wait for Eddie to make the first move.

He had forgotten that this was Eddie telling him what to do, that they weren’t on their first date. They had learned each other and knew what to do and Eddie was telling him. Eddie was telling him that he was okay.

Richie slipped his tongue in Eddie’s mouth and Eddie held Richie’s hair tighter, pulling him closer. Richie had a tight grip on Eddie’s hips, fearing he would leave bruises but too intoxicated on the feeling of Eddie to care.

Eddie rocked his hips forward and Richie moaned into Eddie’s mouth.

Eddie pulled back just enough for Richie to see his grin. “Not too loud, sweetheart,” he said softly. “Don’t forget who’s on the other side of the wall.”

“Don’t mention my parents when were about to have sex, baby,” Richie said. “It’s gross.”

“Then keep it down,” Eddie said and moved in to kiss Richie’s neck.

And Richie had to all but keep a hand clamped over his mouth while Eddie showed him just how much he was missed.

_“What’s wrong with him?”_

_“I’m unsure. He is stable for now and –”_

_“What do you mean you don’t know? Is he going to be okay?”_

_“The bloodwork will take some time to yield results. Until then, I do not know his status other than what I can tell you right now.”_

_“When will he wake up?”_

_“Hopefully soon.”_

_“Hopefully? You don’t know that either?”_

_“Sir, I am doing everything I can. You said he likely took Ambien, so it’s likely that he will not wake up for at least another 24 hours. We have stabilized him and hooked up an IV, but for now, that’s all we can do.”_

Richie woke with a start, shooting up in bed. Eddie was there. Oh, thank God, Eddie was there.

He stirred. “What’s wrong, Rich?” he slurred, slowly waking up.

It was just a dream. It was only a dream. But it was a dream that happened far too often. At least this time Eddie was here to make him feel better. At least this time, he knew Eddie was okay.

Eddie sat up and put his arms around Richie’s waist, resting his forehead on Richie’s shoulder. “Talk to me,” he said.

“Bad dream,” Richie said. “Go back to sleep.”

“You’re shaking,” Eddie said holding him tighter.

“It’s f-fine,” Richie said.

“Your mom told me you were taking your sleeping pills again,” Eddie said.

“She shouldn’t have told you that,” Richie said. “I don’t need you to worry about it.”

“Insomnia or nightmares?”

“Both.”

Eddie pulled Richie back down to have Richie curl up next to him. He lightly ran his fingers through Richie’s hair with one hand and stroked Richie’s arm with the other. He was always so soft, so sweet. Richie had forgotten how good Eddie could feel.

“It’s…bad,” Richie said. “Usually my nightmares are of you…dying. I get so scared when I wake up, too, cause you’re not here and I can’t call you, so I usually just spend the rest of the night sitting up and wishing you were here. But I started taking the pills again and usually they don’t let me have dreams.”

“I’m here now,” Eddie said softly.

Richie slowly drifted back to sleep, the smell of Eddie keeping him calm and cool.

Things were easy for the next couple weeks. Richie went to work, and Eddie spent the days with Maggie, and Richie almost felt like they had started their lives. Eddie would take her in to visit and then stop off at the park to play. Richie would wander over on his lunch to see him pushing her in the swing or holding her up to the monkey bars as she barely gripped it, thinking she was doing everything. (“How’s my little monkey?” Richie said the first day he visited.)

Richie started packing, although it was a slow effort seeing as they wouldn’t actually be moving until after the new year. Eddie spent his free time going through Richie’s things to help him expedite the process, and that was when Richie could tell Eddie was getting bored.

(“There’s only so much fun you can have with a baby and your boyfriend’s mom,” Eddie admitted.)

But luckily, that was when the other Losers started trickling back into town for the holidays. They had already gone out with Mike one night, but Mike had a job too, and classes to finish. He wasn’t around all the time, so when everyone else came home, nothing keeping them busy besides boring family obligations, Eddie went nuts.

Richie did too, but unfortunately, he was still stuck at work most days. His last day couldn’t come soon enough.

But still, he found time to see them all and get life updates from each of them. Bev had applied to San Francisco State after deciding she wanted to study fashion (“It’s only an hour drive from Stanford,” she said, “so we’re still gonna meet up every weekend.”) and Ben quietly mentioned that he was going to propose before she moved to seal the deal (“We won’t get married until after we graduate,” he said, “but it’ll be a nice gesture, I think.”) 

Stan had met a girl that Richie couldn’t stop teasing him about. (“We’re just friends, Trashmouth,” he said. “Patty’s a nice girl and I’m not going to rush anything.”)

And Bill was making friends and writing nonstop and had a pretty good feeling he was going to get published in the school’s literary magazine (“Only cause my friend told me,” he said, “otherwise, I don’t really think my writing is good enough yet.”) Richie managed to keep his mouth shut about Mike because it seemed that Bill didn’t have a clue that Mike had even applied. (“I’m waiting for my acceptance letter,” he admitted later.)

Suddenly, everything felt right, like Richie’s life was finally clicking into place. He only had a few days left of work, and in two weeks, he would be moving to New York with his boyfriend to live happily ever after.

Then, Eddie came to him with some news.

“I’m having lunch with my mom on Friday,” Eddie said before bed Wednesday night. “You’re not working until 3 so I figured it was fine.”

“Lunch with your mom?” Richie questioned. “I thought we hated her.”

Eddie looked at Richie with confusion. “I don’t,” he said calmly. “I just think we disagree about…everything. I don’t want to lose her. She’s my mom.”

“Okay,” Richie conceded. “I can’t stop you.”

“Okay,” Eddie said coolly. “But if you have something to say, say it now before you piss me off.”

Richie thought about it for a second. Maybe Eddie didn’t hate Sonia, but he sure as hell did. Anyone who could treat Eddie like that deserved to be hated. He didn’t want Eddie to give her the time of day, much less agree to have lunch with her, only to give her an opportunity to weasel her way back into his life.

But wasn’t that what Eddie wanted? He wanted her in his life. He wanted her to be okay with everything, to prove she was the mother he always thought she was. She wasn’t, and Richie knew that. He wished Eddie could see it too.

“I don’t think she deserves that,” Richie said quietly.

“Maybe not,” Eddie said, looking anywhere but at Richie. “But I can’t leave her like this.”

“There’s something you’re not telling me,” Richie said.

Eddie finally looked at him, tears swelling in his eyes. “She, um, called me last week. She knew I would be here for Christmas and…she, uh, had a heart attack back in October.” He wiped at his eyes. “She’s fine now. My aunt’s helping her out, but…I feel like I have to do something, you know? Be there for her?”

It was no secret that Sonia’s health was far from good, but Richie didn’t think something like that could happen. The woman was barely 50, but a heart attack wasn’t something she could fake, and if she was going to, she would have done it now, while she knew Eddie was home, not back in October.

“Fuck,” Richie said. “That’s, um…you don’t _have_ to do anything for her, but I get it.”

“I don’t want her to die and for me to not have done anything,” Eddie practically whispered.

“It’s fine,” Richie said. “You don’t have to explain yourself. Uh, good luck, I guess.”

“I love you, Richie.”

“Love you, too, baby.”

Eddie came home from lunch in a very neutral mood. He wouldn’t talk and he wouldn’t smile, and he didn’t tell Richie he loved him when he left for work.

Just like before, Eddie needed some time.

That didn’t stop Richie from freaking out during his entire shift, wishing he could be home with Eddie, holding him close while he worked out whatever feeling and emotions he was dealing with.

Richie couldn’t imagine what that was like. Eddie’s mom was awful, but still Eddie felt a loyalty to her despite all that. But Richie supposed he could understand that. His mother was good, great even, and he could still see himself loving her even if she did something awful. Hell, he remembered when he was younger, not wanting to lose her even when he hated her.

He guessed that was how Eddie felt, despite the bullshit.

Richie got home late. Everyone was already in bed, so he came home quietly and slipped into bed, hoping not to wake Eddie.

Eddie turned over in bed. So much for that.

“Go back to sleep, baby,” Richie said. “We can talk in the morning.”

“Do you remember the night my mom caught us?” Eddie said as Richie lied down next to him.

“How could I forget?” Richie said. “I broke my ankle.”

They lied on the bed facing each other, side by side like they used to do before they got together, having late night conversations that carried the weight of the world. Richie remembered the night they were caught, but he also remembered the night before he changed things, them laying in Eddie’s bed, talking about love.

It seemed like a lifetime ago.

“She doesn’t,” Eddie said. “Hardly. The only thing she seems to care about is that I abandoned her. She thinks it’s my fault she had a heart attack.”

Richie put his hand on Eddie’s cheek.

“I tried to talk to her,” Eddie said. “I tried like I always did, but she kept coming back to the heart attack. She would ask me questions about school and about my life, and once I answered, she’d saying something stupid like ‘you left me for that?’ or ‘no wonder you gave me a heart attack’. Eventually, I had enough. I just left. I told her to never contact me again unless she could have a civil conversation. And she said…she said that I was broken. That I was too far gone. That nothing could fix me.”

Tears ran down Eddie’s face as he squeezed his eyes shut. Richie placed a small kiss to his forehead.

“God, I’m so stupid,” Eddie said. “I thought she would be different. I thought…I thought we could have something. Maybe not a perfect relationship but maybe…maybe something like, we put up with each other on Christmas or…or…she doesn’t like what I do, but she loves me, so she accepts it.”

“You’re not stupid.”

“Then why do I feel like this?” Eddie asked. “Why do I feel like if I had stayed home, this wouldn’t be happening? I don’t…I don’t want to not have her in my life, but, how can I?”

“I can’t…I don’t know how to answer that,” Richie said slowly, “but I do know that she makes you feel awful, and I don’t want that for you. It’s gonna be hard, but you need to cut her out. I wish it didn’t have to be like that.” Richie pulled Eddie into his chest, and Eddie wrapped his arms around Richie. “You’re not broken, I promise.”

Before Richie could even fathom, Christmas had come and gone and the new year was on the horizon. Only another week before he and Eddie would be moving into their New York apartment, ready to start the rest of their lives, and Richie had barely packed any of his things, not to mention the countless toys that came in he mail from his grandparents to little Maggie.

“I thought it was the grandparents’ job to spoil kids,” Richie made an offhanded comment to his parents late on Christmas day when they were cleaning up, finally realizing just how much his child had opened.

“We do when you’re not looking,” Went returned. “Once she starts really talking, you’ll know how much candy Grandpa sneaks her.”

“Don’t tell Eddie,” Richie said. “He’ll have a cow. She’ll have cavities before she has a full set of teeth.”

Went had laughed and Richie’s heart sunk. He wouldn’t have this in a week. He wouldn’t have his parents’ help, or his mother’s kind words or his dad’s jokes and jibes. And neither would Maggie. Richie always marveled at kids who got to live near their grandparents, visiting them every other weekend, never missing a holiday, building that relationship that some of them held so dearly. Maggie would grow up in New York, some 500 odd miles away from her grandparents, seeing them once, maybe twice a year for Christmas or her birthday.

Maybe that’s why Richie couldn’t pack. Maybe that’s why he sat in his room, the room he grew up in, eyeing the posters on the walls and the strange and tacky collectibles he had amassed over the years, none of which he would be taking with him.

Eddie had talked about how they could pack his things, how they would stack his comic books and wrap his figurines in newspaper, where he knew they could get a cheap shelf to stack them on. Richie didn’t have the heart to tell Eddie to drop it. Richie didn’t want any of it. He wanted to stay there. For the first time in his life, he wanted to stay in Derry.

That was a feeling he immediately dismissed and forced himself to start packing. Going into overdrive mode, forgetting the thoughts he didn’t want around, he packed his clothes and toiletries and nothing else. He didn’t need it.

And when he was done with that, there wasn’t a thing of Maggie’s he was leaving behind. Every stuffed animal and useless toy that she had gotten bored of and even the clothes that she had grown out of went in bags and boxes to go with them. Richie couldn’t leave anything of hers behind. She didn’t belong to Derry the way he did. He wasn’t going to let her leave anything in Derry.

Eddie had taken her on a run. He was trying to get back into running and Richie’s parents had given him a jogging stroller for Christmas. It was lucky that it hadn’t snowed in a few days and the sidewalks were plowed, but that stroller would see much better use in New York anyway.

He came home, sweating and glowing, Maggie on his hip, pulling Richie in for a quick kiss before assessing the situation.

“You packed,” Eddie stated setting Maggie on the floor. Richie had left out a few things, her favorites, and enough outfits to last.

“Yeah,” Richie said. “I think I’m mostly ready to go.”

“You’ve hardly packed anything,” Eddie said noting all of the things still littered about his room. “Don’t you want all this?”

“No,” Richie said. “I don’t.”

Eddie studied him suspiciously, and Richie was scared they would have to talk, a serious talk. It was easy to talk about Eddie. Richie could listen and offer encouraging words and a bit of advice when prompted, but the other way around? Richie was messed up. He knew he was, but that was always the last things on his mind. He never wanted to talk about it, and maybe that was bad, maybe that would bite him in the ass, or maybe it wouldn’t. Maybe if his daughter thought he was perfect, then she would listen to him. Then she would be perfect.

Eddie crossed his arms. “I’m not gonna make you talk –”

“That’s sound exactly like what you want to do.”

“I do want you to talk,” Eddie said. “But when you’re ready. You packed like three shirts and a stick of deodorant for you, meanwhile, everything Maggie’s ever owned is in a box.”

“I thought you said when I was ready.”

“Right. That’s right.” Eddie paused. “I’m taking a shower.”

Richie let him go. He didn’t want to fight over this. That was only natural, but this kind of thing wouldn’t happen if Richie just said what he was thinking. He spent so long hiding himself from the world, and he didn’t have to do that with Eddie. But things had changed. _Eddie_ had changed. Eddie was good now, better than he was, and Richie was still the same old Richie, stuck in Derry and a big mess of insecurity and self-loathing.

If he didn’t talk, he would explode, and Eddie would be the collateral damage. Eddie didn’t deserve that. Eddie didn’t deserve a lot of the things he got, and yet here he was, building a better version of himself every day.

Richie would have to talk, if not for him, but for Eddie.

Maggie grabbed her bear and walked it over to Richie. “Dada, bear.” She handed it to him.

“Thank you, monkey,” Richie said taking the bear from her. “You wanna sit in Daddy’s bed?”

She nodded excitedly. “Yeah!”

“Alright, c’mon,” Richie said scooping her up and taking her to lounge in bed with him. He set her on his lap and she lay against his chest. She held her bear close, and Richie could tell it was almost naptime.

“Can I tell you something, Mags?” Richie started. “Your dear old dad isn’t doing so hot. Eddie’s, like, this big hotshot now and I’m scared he’s gonna realize it. But I’ll always have you, right? You and me to the end of the world?”

Maggie didn’t respond. Usually she would babble if she didn’t have the words (she only knew a few so it was often that she babbled), but she had fallen asleep on Richie. He lay there with her until Eddie came back, taking his side of the bed.

“Okay,” Richie said.

“Okay?” Eddie repeated.

“I’m leaving Derry behind,” Richie said. “I can’t take any of this with me because it reminds me too much of how shitty life was here. And it also doesn’t help that I don’t want to leave. And I can’t figure out why.”

“You’ll figure it out eventually,” Eddie said. “Sometimes I still don’t know why I miss my mom, but I do. We’re getting a new life in New York, Richie. You and me and Maggie.”

“You already have a new life, though,” Richie said. “Where am I supposed to fit into all that?”

“You’ll find your own place,” Eddie reassured. “You’ll go and get a job and maybe get into the comedy scene and make friends. And my friends are dying to meet you, so you’ve got that going.”

“You told them all about me, huh?” Richie said deflecting. He admitted things, and now he was done for a time. One piece at a time. He would get to the point that Eddie wanted, but baby steps were what he needed, and Eddie appreciated it.

“I told them how much of an idiot you are,” Eddie said. “And how gross and crude you can be. And they still can’t wait to meet you.”

“I’m a charmer,” Richie said, “even 500 miles away. It’s a gift.”

“More like a curse.”

Richie took Eddie’s hand, and Eddie turned on his side close to Richie, and pressed a kiss into his shoulder. Maggie was heavy on his chest, a sure sign that she was out. Richie could get used to this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter! It will be a final epilogue kind of deal and I'm really excited to write it
> 
> Hope you enjoyed!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I CANNOT believe how long this took. I have like three other WIPs right now that I'm more interested in (I was super interested in this story when I started it but that was months ago and the thrill has worn off soz) so this was a killer to finish. But it's finally done.
> 
> Enjoy!

Maggie Tozier pulled up to the house close to 10 p.m. on December 23rd. She had told her parents she wouldn’t be in until late the next day, unable to wait to see the looks on their faces when she surprised them a day early.

She had been in Venezuela for almost a year, accumulating her vacation days with the Peace Corps so that she would be able to stay through the new year. She flew back out on the first, but that would be plenty of time.

Maggie went up the walk, knowing the garage door would be locked this late, and started sifting through the potted plant to find the spare key, cursing the California heat. She was from New York. It wasn’t supposed to be hot in December. She wasn’t supposed to be sweating, she was supposed to be slipping on ice and bruising her ass like her dad did that one winter when she was 12. He couldn’t sit right for a week.

Instead there were cheap plastic snowmen in the yard, likely at the request of her 9-year old brother and sister who somehow still believed in Santa and also believed he wouldn’t come if it didn’t look like the movies.

She unlocked the door as quietly as she could, hoping to make a big entrance. The unmistakable scraping of dog feet on the wood floor came closer and closer as her siblings’ dogs greeted her at the door, a Jack Russell named Toby and a Yorkshire Terrier named Princess. If there were ever two dogs to perfectly describe the difference between little girls and little boys, they were it.

Maggie pet them both, pressing her fingers to her lips to keep them quiet like she knew they were trained to do, before traversing into the living room.

Her parents were asleep on the couch, her brother and sister laying on them, eyes shut tight as the ending of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer played on the TV.

It was such a picture-perfect sight, Maggie almost cried.

Then her dad jostled awake to the sound of dog claws.

He broke into a huge grin. “Maggie!” he whispered. “I thought you weren’t getting in till tomorrow.”

She walked around the back of the couch to kiss his cheek without disturbing the others. “Hi, Daddy. I wanted to surprise you.”

“Eds is gonna be mad,” Richie said. “He didn’t get a chance to wash your sheets yet. He was going to tomorrow.”

“Let him be mad,” Maggie said. “I wanted an extra day with my dads.”

As if on cue, Eddie slowly opened his eyes, careful not to shake the kids too much.

“Hi, peanut,” he said.

Maggie kissed his cheek. “Dad says you’re gonna be mad cause you couldn’t wash my sheets.”

“Throw me under the bus, why don’tcha?” Richie said.

“Actually, I am,” Eddie said. “You’re gonna have to go back to Venezuela for a day so I can do that.”

“Ha ha,” Maggie said tonelessly. “I’m gonna go put my stuff away, then I’ll say hello to the hellions.”

Maggie left to take her suitcase upstairs before anyone could protest, overhearing briefly Eddie mention the kids should be going to bed in a minute anyway.

God, she missed them. Her time in Venezuela had been difficult. She missed her parents and her siblings and the ability to go home, although, she wasn’t sure how much of L.A. she would call home. Her family was here, but her home was New York. As soon as she graduated high school, her parents had moved out here, leaving her alone in the city to go to NYU and study medicine.

Eddie had nearly cried. And she loved him for that, although at the time it was embarrassing. But she wanted to be like her father, to study medicine and to help people like he did.

“Maggie!” The cries of her siblings sounded up the stairs and she went out into the hall to greet them.

Danny hit her first, followed closely by Abby, who both enveloped her in a tight hug.

“I missed you guys,” Maggie said. “I missed you so much.” And that was the truth. She loved her siblings to her very core. They hadn’t been adopted until she was 17, but she felt like she had grown up with them, and had immediately grown into the protective older sibling role.

“Alright, munchkins,” Richie came from behind. “Bedtime.”

“We wanna talk to Maggie,” Danny pouted.

“Do you have a boyfriend yet?” Abby asked.

“Or girlfriend,” Danny corrected.

“Or a dog?” Abby continued.

“I think you guys need to listen to Dad,” Maggie said. “We can talk in the morning, okay?”

Richie came through and shooed them off into the bathroom away from Maggie, while she wandered downstairs and into the kitchen where Eddie was having a glass of wine.

“I’ll have what you’re having,” Maggie said grabbing a wine glass from the cupboard. She sat at the table and Eddie poured her a glass.

“I don’t think you’ll ever understand,” Eddie said, “how strange it is to sit with your daughter and have a drink. Makes you feel old.”

“You’re not old,” Maggie said. “All my friends’ parents are like, 60.”

“I don’t know why but that made me feel even older,” Eddie said finishing his glass. “So, tell me all about Venezuela.”

“Aren’t you getting my letters?”

“Yeah,” Eddie said, “but I want to hear what you’ve been hiding from me.”

“Shouldn’t we wait for Dad before I spill all my secrets?” Maggie finished her glass of wine, pouring herself another one.

“Fuck him,” Eddie said.

Maggie wasn’t sure when her parents stopped censoring themselves around her, or if they ever had that filter to begin with. She fondly remembered her first day of kindergarten in which she taught three kids how to say “motherfucker”. It made her popular, but then she had a long talk with her parents that night about when she can and can’t say certain words.

She didn’t realize until much later how young they had been then. Eddie had only just graduated from college, and Richie was still working at that restaurant he hated to try and make ends meet.

She remembered the day they moved into their apartment in Manhattan when she was 10, only a year after Richie had gotten a role on SNL. She remembered how the kids in school started teasing her because she wasn’t funny like him and her bedtime was before SNL even started, unlike the other kids whose parents let them stay up to watch.

She remembered the first time Richie went on tour when she was 12, leaving for the entire summer to headline his own comedy tour, and how she got the flu and became severely dehydrated and had to be admitted into the hospital. She cried when Richie told her over the phone that he was coming home, and she cried even harder when Eddie couldn’t visit until morning (because it was late at night) because he wasn’t “family”.

She remembered that day in court the next month when the judge ruled that Eddie could adopt her under their circumstances, and she remembered that day in court two years later when they took a road trip to Connecticut so Richie and Eddie could get married.

She remembered the day they told her they were thinking of having more kids, of fostering and adopting, and she got mad because she was 15 and an angry teenager (just like her dads) but then the next morning she apologized and said she thought it would be nice to have a brother or sister, even though it was a lie to make her parents feel better. She remembered the day Danny and Abby showed up, 3 years old and terrified after their mother just got arrested for armed robbery, and she remembered the day a year later after their birth mother signed over her rights, no other family was found, and Richie and Eddie officially adopted them.

She remembered the day she decided to go into the Peace Corps, and Richie told her that she needed to seriously consider what she was doing, that doing this wasn’t easy and she needed to think about what she got her degree for, and she remembered arguing with him because she got her degree to help people which is what she was going to Venezuela for, to help people. She remembered the next day when Richie apologized because he was scared of her leaving and wanted her to stay around forever, but he knew she couldn’t, but he could put up a fight, and he was sorry.

But no, she couldn’t remember when her parents stopped censoring themselves because they never did. She couldn’t remember, but she had a feel that from the day she was born, the word “fuck” was in common use around her, never with the idea that she might start saying it.

She was honestly surprised it wasn’t her first word. That was “Eddie”.

“Wow,” Maggie said. “What if I told him you said that?”

“He’d probably say ‘yes, please’,” Eddie said.

“First of all, gross,” Maggie said. “And second of all, Venezuela is…amazing.”

Eddie made a motion as if to say, ‘tell me more’.

“I love working in the hospital and I love the friends I’ve made,” Maggie said. “And I love… I met a guy.”

“A guy?” Eddie questioned. “Does he have a name?”

“Enrique,” Maggie said. “He works at the hospital with me. He’s working as a nurse to save up and go to school in the U.S. and become a surgeon.”

“Surgeon are all pretentious narcissists. You can do better.”

“Pops.”

“Just saying!” Eddie threw up his hands in protest. “But he sounds wonderful.”

Maggie bit her lip. “How did you know you were in love?”

Maggie thought about her parents, how close they always were, the way she would have to pry them apart in order to sit between them. She thought about how commonplace their quick kisses would be, their gentle touches, their “I love you”s, that when her friends came to visit and noted how gross her parents were, she didn’t understand. Her parents were soulmates. If anyone knew anyone about love, it was them.

“It wasn’t as easy as you want to think it is,” Eddie said. “Your dad was dating this girl, and I was insanely jealous and didn’t even know why. Your Aunt Bev had practically bullied me into figuring it out.”

“Yeah? She was always like that, huh?”

“Oh yeah,” Eddie said. “And then from there it was easy. There was something about him that no one else had. It was like the light was shining from him, like the world started and ended with him. Like, if there was anyone I had to die for, I knew I could do it for him.”

“Aw,” Richie said coming into the kitchen. “Are you talking about me?”

“You wish,” Eddie said. “I was actually talking about Ryan Reynolds.”

“I knew we shouldn’t have gone to see Deadpool,” Richie said, taking a chair, spinning in backwards, and sitting in it.

“Maggie met a boy,” Eddie said changing the subject.

“He’s 25,” Maggie protested. “He’s not a boy, he’s a man.”

“He’s a practically a child,” Richie said. “Tell me about your _boy_.”

“Enrique works at the hospital with me and I think I’m in love with him.”

“Enrique?” Richie said. “Sounds like a boy you don’t want anything to do with.”

“And he’s gonna be a surgeon,” Eddie added.

“Surgeons are narcissists,” Richie continued.

“Yeah,” Maggie said, “I heard.”

Maggie finished the wine she had in one gulp.

“Dad,” she said. “I just remembered that Enrique is your biggest fan.”

“No shit?” Richie said.

“And he didn’t believe me when I said that you were my father,” Maggie said. “He said, _but he is famous and you’re not._ ” She said the last part in Spanish knowing Richie would understand.

He laughed and Eddie frowned.

“I only heard about half of that,” Eddie said.

Richie translated, and Maggie was still amazed that Richie practically went on a Spanish-learning bender in order to help her with her homework in middle school. She loved that they shared it because it made Eddie so mad sometimes. They never said anything bad, but sometimes it was fun to throw his name into the mix and watch him get worked up over not being able to understand. (“Just learn Spanish, Eds,” Richie would say. “It’s not that easy, Trashmouth,” Eddie would reply.)

“So, I told him my last name is Tozier, you know, like Rich Tozier?” Maggie explained. “And he said he thought it was a common American last name. Anyway, Dad, he’s seen all of your movies and loves you.”

“Okay, I’m sold,” Richie said slamming his hand on the table. “He can be a narcissist surgeon all he wants if he loves my movies.”

“Thanks, Daddy,” Maggie said and turned her attention towards Eddie.

“Doesn’t have mine,” Eddie said. “Anyone who likes your father’s movies isn’t worth your time.”

“You love his movies.”

“And look where it got me.”

Richie reached an arm around Eddie and pressed a kiss into his cheek while Eddie rolled his eyes, smiling slightly like he tended to do. It was always so sweet, watching them be in love, watching have the love that Maggie always dreamed about having.

She had to admit it was embarrassing growing up. She didn’t think there was a kid in the world that didn’t think their parents were gross and shouldn’t act like that, but she grew to love it, to hold her relationships to a higher standard because she understood what love was.

“While you guys are being gross,” Maggie teased, “I’m gonna go get ready for bed. There’s nothing quite like 18 hours on a plane and a glass of wine to put you out.”

Maggie left the room as Richie called out, “You’re too young to get tired,” a phrase he never got tired of holding over her.

Up in her room, a room she hardly recognized apart from a few knickknacks she took from her childhood bedroom in New York. It had been over a year since she had left the city, her home, and she was already working out how to ask Enrique to move with her back there when the time came, but that was a problem for another day.

She sat on her bed, and pulled out a letter she got a few months prior, something she had been attempting to read in bits and pieces, something she hadn’t quite worked up the courage to finish.

She stared at it, and it must have been longer than she thought because there was a knock from the doorway, and Richie was standing there looking over her.

“Whatcha reading?” Richie asked. “Enrique sending you love letters?”

Tears swelled in Maggie’s eyes, and Richie’s usual jovial mood dropped to go and comfort her.

“What is it, Maggie?” Richie said sitting on the edge of her bed.

“She wrote me back,” Maggie said which was all the explanation that Richie needed.

“What did she say?”

“It’s hard to read,” Maggie admitted, the letter from her mother crinkling in her tight grip, “but, um, she said it’s fine that I want to know her, and that maybe we could talk sometime.”

Richie nodded, trying to get Maggie to keep reading, to remember what she already read before. When she mentioned a couple years prior that she wanted to track down her birth mother, to at least talk to her, even one conversation, Richie was fully supportive. He remembered the trials of raising a daughter, not knowing the horrors and changes that she would face, the entire time struggling to keep up with having a teenage girl who wanted nothing more than someone to talk to. They both remembered the time that Maggie was mad and screamed that she wished she had a mother. That she would have rather had two moms than two dads.

She regretted that one the moment it came out of her mouth, but like every 15-year old, she held her ground and stomp off and slammed the door of her room.

She chose not to remember how Eddie wasn’t so sure if it was a good idea to contact her mother, claiming he didn’t want her heart to break.

“She lives in Knoxville,” Maggie continued reading further down. “She’s a real estate agent. She got married to her college sweetheart who’s a middle school principal, and they have two sons, ages 11 and 8…my…brothers.”

She wasn’t going to cry. She had already decided that.

“She said if I’m ever near Knoxville, that I should call. And then she put her phone number, and signed off ‘With love, Kathleen Glossier-Bernhardt’.”

Richie let out a soft laugh. “She’s going by Kathleen now?”

“Dad.”

“Sorry,” Richie said. “Did you…find what you were looking for?”

Maggie thought for only a second. “I think so.”

“It sounds like she wants to know you,” Richie said. “I told you she just wasn’t ready yet, but it looks like she is now.”

“I hope,” Maggie muttered as her phone began to ring. A Facetime call from Enrique. She smiled, “you wanna meet Enrique? Make his night?”

Richie’s face broke into a smile. “My biggest fan? Any day.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has been a long and fruitful journey, and I'm glad to share this story with all of you! I'm glad so many people enjoyed because the entire thing, original and sequel, was super self-indulgent and I'm surprised all of you were interested as well lol.
> 
> Anyway they all lived happily ever after the end
> 
> hmu on [tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/the-u-s-s-enterprise) or [twitter](https://twitter.com/iheartsharkey) if you wanna lmao


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